So, I was doing a live interview with Fables and Flames last night, and I casually mentioned a few stories from Rachel's Unhinged Vault™️.
Because many of these unhinged stories occurred before I regularly started going viral for fond1ing sauerkraut jars (which was seen by 17 million people, every sub-Reddit known to man, and my 80-year-old neighbor), many of you haven't heard the Official Rachel Lore. And because my inbox was immediately inundated with people asking things like, "What's the filing cabinet story?" and "Did you really send 500 pennies to a customer?" I thought I would procrastinate from writing fiction today and would instead write something far more unhinged: pure, unhyperbolized nonfiction.
Please come join me as I read aloud from the (Un)Holy Book of Rae-Rae.
First up:
The 500 Pennies Fiasco
Once upon a time, a lady got annoyed by my main character and DM'd me to demand a refund for the distress Talia put her through. Upon further questioning, I determined she had bought the ebook for 3.99 - not from me, but from Amazon.
In the end, I told her I'd send her the money on the singular condition that she think twice before messaging another author in this manner.
She gladly agreed, gave her address to me, a complete stranger on the internet, so I rounded up from 3.99 and sent her 500 pennies.
I sincerely hope she was able to spend them all before the great #PennyCancelation of '26.
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The Filing Cabinet Incident
Many moons ago - aka back in 2024 when I read reader reviews (I was far more masochistic back then) - I stumbled across a woman who insisted my fantasy book about a magical interdimensional filing cabinet that acts as a portal to a fae realm was not believable because no grown woman could fit into a filing cabinet.
Naturally, my reaction was to climb inside of a filing cabinet to prove her wrong.
To be clear, it was not the 3-star review that irked me, but the comment that it was the FILING CABINET that was unbelievable.
Did I break the bottom of my filing cabinet? Yes.
Was it worth it? Also yes.
This is how several thousand of you were introduced to me.
#sorrynotsorry
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That time I broke the internet for saying people aren't green.
Some people got REALLY mad that I apparently didn't understand the poeticism behind comparing BIPOC skin colors to food.
Particularly green food.
I continue to maintain that fresh-pressed olive oil is green, not Greek-man-colored.
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The Big Pink Book Scandal
If you haven't experienced this in it's full glory, my team has considerately broken it down into bite-sized chunks for you:
-
Lady messaged me to say her pink book is too pink.
-
Per your request, I turned angry pink-hating lady interaction into a musical TikTok skit.
Skit proceeds to blow up internet. Everyone and their uncle came by my FanX table to bring it up (many of whom subsequently bought "the hideous pink book" - sorry, angry pink-hating lady!!) - After previously blocking me, Angry Pink-Hating Lady (APHL) then unblocked me and threatened to sic her husband the "lawyer" on me for slander. Or was it libel?
She also sent a picture of the poor pink book tossed in the trash :'( - Believing she was exaggerating, I asked my warehouse team what they thought and was subsequently charged with domestic schmerrorism.
- The fiasco culminated in me being served legal papers by a pizza delivery guy, getting radioactive burns on my face, and watching my precious pink book get carted off by the radioactive hazardous containment unit.
- Eventually, the "Big Pink Book" even ki11ed Matt Dinniman.
My deepest condolences to his 12.8 quadrillion fans 
(I'll miss him too 
)
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There is much more unholy lore, including monster d!cks, stuffing fish in my pants, and the time I spanked a man with my book onstage (he deserved it).
Oh, yes, and the occasional heated author beef, like the dramatic culmination of the massive author spat I had with Annette Marie or that time I called out Matt Dinniman for encouraging an entire demographic of young men to show up to conventions barefoot.
(And then that jerk had the audacity of insinuating that I'd been bought out by the Big Shoe Lobby!! WTF!!!!)
I also might have recently gotten a roomful of people drunk and made them scream BUTT
COBRAS at the top of their lungs 
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Anyway. The point is.... Well, to be honest, I've forgotten what the point is. Something about how I will almost certainly get cancelled in 2027.
But for now - FOR NOW, MY FRIENDS - I am here, weird, and absolutely titillated by our recent Kickstarter success!!!!
Did you SEE how many stretch goals we've unlocked in just 2 days??
I'm also pleased to say we still have a few piggy sponsorships left! Earlier this year, thanks to the A&A KS, we donated $2500 to Hog Haven Farm, an incredible pig sanctuary right here in Colorado! I'd love to do that again to help them keep their 100+ pigs fed and warm this winter!
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Lastly, I would be remiss not to tell you about the Bone Whisperer sale we are doing from October 23-25! This weekend only you can grab The Girl Who Talks to Ashes for free and The Boy Who Lurks in Shadows for $0.99 on my website
This creepy-yet-cozy duology is like nothing you've ever read of mine before. It's my least-read series in terms of volume but my most cult-obsessed. Think Nancy Drew meets The Ghost Whisperer with a dash of Dr. Who and a Wrinkle in Time. (Hence why it's so hard to market! 
)
Make sure you check out the other books available as part of C.L. Cannon's Halloween Reads sale!
Thanks for putting up with all my insanity, folks.
And remember: filing cabinets are made for papers, not peoples.
Cheers!
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